


A Wonderful Flag-Less World

by CrimesOfADeadpool



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel 616, Spiderman - Fandom
Genre: Based on a Vocaloid Song, Fluffy, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Song Lyrics, Utata-P, random cameos, random stuff, song prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-14
Updated: 2014-10-25
Packaged: 2018-01-19 08:53:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1463242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrimesOfADeadpool/pseuds/CrimesOfADeadpool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of short fluffy fics based off the song "A Wonderful Flag-Less World"<br/>(A world where there is only ever happy endings)</p><p>/Alternatively:/ </p><p>A look into the danger-filled lives of Spider-man and Deadpool</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. “When this war is over, I’m going to marry her!” is what he said…

**Author's Note:**

> So, one of my favourite Japanese Vocaloid Producers Utata-P released a new song called “A Wonderful Flag-Less World” in which basically every story has a happy ending, and it’s pretty funny. Anyway, I was listening to it, and I couldn’t help but want to write a bunch of SpideyPool fics about it. I mean, I can see Deadpool doing all this stuff, the bastard.  
> So I’ll do each ‘story’ (there’s nine of them, but they’re only two lines each so…), yeah I’ll put the two lines in bold italics, one at the start, one at the end. Because I’d hate to give away the punchline before the ending. :P  
> I got the lyrics from descentsubs youtube page, - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kf9d8fbEKd8, which has all the details, and you guys should give it a listen.  
> So yeah, enjoy!!

**_“When this war is over, I’m going to marry her!” is what he said…_ **

‘I’m going to ask him out.’  
[We’re in a battle]  
‘I _know_. Afterwards.’  
[We’re in Canada.]  
‘I _know._ I’ll catch a plane.’  
[We’re missing an arm.]  
‘I _kn-_ seriously?’ Deadpool cast a worried look at his arm, and then looked around, trying to locate his arm while he fought off the next wave of unoriginal and unidentifiable henchmen. ‘When did that happen?’  
His yellow box sighed. [Does it even matter?]  
‘No, I just like to keep track of these things.’ He perked up. ‘There it is!’ He jumped over one of the men and picked it up.  
“Batter’s up!” he called and used his arm to knock over one of his enemies, and (as per usual with the grunts) the man collapsed and didn’t move. “Who’s next?” he crowed, delighted with his familiar toy.  
The men all gave each other nervous looks. “Aw, guys,” Deadpool smirked. “Don’t worry,” he waved his arm at them, “I’ll go easy on you.”  
The men’s expressions darkened at that, and they leapt toward him.  
  
~  
  
Deadpool scratched at his arm idly. He’d been able to reattach it in time, luckily. Growing new limbs was a bitch.  
“Drink sir?” asked the airline hostess. Deadpool looked over the selection and frowned to himself. She smiled politely back, though he could see her confusion at the man who was completely covered, head to toe, not an inch of skin showing, despite being half an hour into the flight.  
‘Beer?’ he asked the yellow box, which he had decided to completely trust in this new endeavour of theirs.  
[Yes, turning up drunk on his door is the best way for someone to ask another person out]  
Deadpool pouted. “Coke please.”  
  
~  
  
Deadpool caught his reflection on the glass panes lining the window of the airport. He fixed his hoodie idly.  
‘Looking good.’  
The yellow box was silent.  
  
~  
  
Deadpool was bored. ‘ _Where is he??!’_  he complained.  
[Perhaps he’s not coming]  
‘But this is his _house._ ’  
[He could have moved out]  
‘And left his stuff?’ Deadpool ducked under the bed and picked up a magazine. ‘Left his porn?!’  
[It is a conundrum]  
It _was_ a conundrum. Deadpool had been waiting patiently for three days for the lovely Spiderman to return. Three. _Th-ree. 3._ He needed to kill someone.  
He had been _so good._ He’d been more patient than he’d even been.  
He was going crazy.  
‘Okay, we need intel.’  
Suddenly, the screech of metal filled the air.  
[That sounds like a good place to start]

~

‘Hey look it’s Doc Ock.’ Deadpool thought to himself as he jumped between the buildings to watch the unfolding drama.  
Fantastic Four vs Doctor Octopus. Something was wrong with this picture.  
‘Isn’t Ock one of Spidey’s villians?’ He suddenly felt his first streak of worry. If _they_ were here…where was Spidey?  
He jumped again, landing on a fire escape and made his way across to where Mr Fantastic’s head was (having stretched himself in all manner of ways).  
“Hey Fantastic!” Deadpool called.  
The head turned to him in surprise, than annoyance. “Deadpool. What is it? We’re kind of busy at the moment.”  
“Yeah, that’s cool…um, where’s Spidey though? You know, about yea high, red and blue, got a weird thing about spiders. Bit sassy.”  
Mr Fantastic blinked at him. “You don’t know?”  
“I’ve been out of town.” The worry in his stomach twisted.  
“He’s with the Avengers.”  
Deadpool resisted the urge to sigh aloud.  
“Doctor Strange asked them to help on a mission in the astral planes.”  
“Oh.” He paused. “When will they be back?”  
“A few months, that’s why we’re tak-”  
“Months?!”  
“If they come back at all,” Fantastic replied, still annoyed. “There’s a war going on, apparently. Which is why, as I was saying, we’re looking after New York. If you could help-”  
But Deadpool had already vanished.  
  
~  
  
[It isn’t that long.]  
‘I’m already going insane from three days. I won’t last months. I _need_ to ask him out.’  
[You were already insane]  
‘ _More_ insane then.’  
His yellow box disappeared as Deadpool threw himself down onto Peter’s bed.  
“He’ll be alright, right?” he asked the empty room.  
There was no reply.  
  
~  
  
Deadpool had, with difficulty, managed to put Spiderman out of his mind. It had been two months. He had decided (with mild prompting from the yellow box) that moping around Spidey’s room was not the most productive use of his time (even if it did relieve a bit of the stress).  
He had taken a few jobs, and had even helped the Fantastic Four take care of New York – because there needed to be a New York for Peter to return to.  
So he’d done his best. Hell, he’d even checked in on Aunt May a few times. He was on his best behaviour, because, as the yellow box delighted in telling him, he needed to get on Peter’s good side, if he wanted Peter to go out with him.  
Of course, no one gave Spidey that memo.  
The disappearance of Wade’s would-be-lover annoyed him endlessly, and he couldn’t shake the fear that something was going to happen to him.  
He wasn’t used to feeling fear, so apparently his brain had decided to torture him with an exaggerated version of it, complete with nightmares and hallucinations.  
If Peter died, Wade would resurrect him and kill him all over again.  
He’d managed to get a few more details from Reed Richards, but nothing reassuring.  
Something about nightmares, and undead creatures.  
Deadpool wasn’t used to this at all. But he’d wait, because he needed his answer. He’d made up his mind. He _was_ going to ask out Peter Benjamin Parker, even if it killed him.  
  
~  
  
Wade knocked on the door, humming to himself. He had had a good night sleep for once. He juggled two shopping bags.  
“Come in,” called May. This was part of his ‘getting on Spidey’s good side’ plan, doing the shopping for her.  
Deadpool balanced the bags and opened the door. He stumbled through the house to the kitchen, placing the bags on the counter, and grinning up at May.  
… and Peter.  
“Wade?!” Peter exclaimed.  
“Peter!” Wade replied, just as shocked.  “You’re back.”  
“You’re in my house!”  
May hit him on the arm, scoldingly. “Wade has been looking after me while you’ve been gone.” She shot him a look. “Though I am quite capable by myself.”  
Wade shot her a winning smile, then looked nervously at Spidey. He wouldn’t kick him out, right? He was being a good guy.  
Peter just sighed and sat down at the table. May patted his head absently, then left the room.  
There was a silence.  
“Um…” Wade began. “So…is the fighting over?”  
Peter sighed again. “Yeah. For now.”  
Wade grinned and crossed the room to take the seat next to him. “Great! Let’s celebrate. Dinner?”  
He felt the breath go out of him. He’d planned how this would go for so long, but it had normally involved a more romantic setting, like his bedroom, or an alleyway. And a lot more rambling. He had moved too fast, he was supposed to do a speech, or-  
“Sure,” Peter said, then looked surprised at himself. He shrugged. “But next week. I’m exhausted.”  
Wade jumped up. “Okay! Yes! Rest! I’ll be back! Next week!” He wasn’t quite sure why he was shouting, but couldn’t stop himself. He backed out of the room. “See you Petey.”  
He swore he heard a tired chuckle follow him out.  
  
 __  
 **…and when he came back, they married without incident…**  
  



	2. “Leave this to me and go! I’ll be right behind you!” he shouted…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dark alleyways, Deadpool tries to be persuasive, bad guys, explosions and cliched backstories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, I was on SpideyPoolFanfics tumblr again, and whenever I see my fics on there I always feel a bit inspired, so yeah, chapter 2.

**_“Leave this to me and go! I’ll be right behind you!” he shouted…_ **

Peter landed in the alley lightly. “Hello?” he asked cautiously. Something skittered in the dark.  
“Wade?” he called again, softly.  
There was a chuckle. “Hello Petey,” Deadpool sang, and Peter turned to glare at him. “Did I scare you?”  
“Sure.” Peter said, annoyed. “Is there a reason we’re meeting in a dark alley instead of somewhere normal like a park…or a battlefield?”  
“All the better to scare you with my dear,” he gave an evil laugh and Peter rolled his eyes.  
“Terrifying,” Peter commented.  
Wade stepped toward him and embraced him. “Don’t worry Spidey, I’m here to protect you.”  
Peter sighed exasperatedly. “Oh, now I feel safe.” He felt something digging into his skin. “Is that a gun…” he tried to stop himself, cursing his lack of thought because of course-  
“No, I’m just happy to see you.”  
Peter groaned and pushed him away. “Ow.” He rubbed his hip absently. “Ow.”  
Deadpool gave him a look of complete adoration. Spiderman still wasn’t sure how Deadpool managed to look so hopelessly puppy like with his face completely covered. Spidey crossed his arms. “So was there a reason for this little get together? Besides the sex jokes, of course.”  
Deadpool pouted, once again defying the physics of a mask. “I missed you.”  
“Missing me doesn’t require alleyways.” He looked down. “Or us both in costume.”  
Deadpool reached over to him, grabbing Spidey’s hips and pulling him close. “But certain fantasies can only be enacted in back alleyways in pretty red suits.” He made a move to push Peter against the building’s wall, but Peter sidestepped him and jumped back, crouching on the building instead with an annoyed look.  
It was Deadpool’s turn to cross his arms. “Ah, so the Spider retreats into the darkness.” He tutted. “No fair.”  
“Don’t attack me then.”  
“It was a _love_ attack.”  
“It was a … _what_? No, don’t answer that,” Spidey replied, as Deadpool looked like he was going to explain.  
Deadpool pouted again. Spidey sighed and dropped to the ground.  
“So you called me here for sex?”  
“What else?”  
Peter sat down. “You’re a real romantic Wade.”  
The man grinned and closed the distance between them, lying down and resting his head on Peter’s lap. “I know. They call me the Love Guru.”  
“Who does?”  
“ _They_ do.”  
“That’s not an answer Wade.”  
“Answer: a thing that is said, written, or done as a reaction to a question, statement, or situation. So reads google when you type in define:answers.”  
“Why have you got that memorised?”  
“You’d be surprised how many people challenge me about my answers. _Shooting me isn’t an answer! Stripping isn’t an answer! Screaming isn’t an answer! I don’t even know what you’re doing right now, but that most certainly isn’t an answer.”_ He scoffed. “People.”  
Peter laughed and rested his head against the building, looking up at the sky. “It is nice here.”  
Deadpool nodded lazily. “Only the best alleys for you, Spiderman.”  
“What a touching scene,” a voice drawled.  
Deadpool sat up quickly, and Spiderman’s head jerked towards the source of the sound.  
“Who dares interrupt our bonding experience?” Deadpool demanded.  
“It is I,” replied the voice, and out stepped a man, clad in black and leather, half of his face melted. “Balthazar.” He leered at them. “I’m here for my revenge Deadpool.”  
Deadpool frowned. “Who?”  
The man did a double take. “What?!”  
“Haven’t heard of you. Sorry.”  
The man stuttered and searched for words. Finally he pointed to his face. “You _burnt_ my face off!”  
Deadpool shrugged. “I do that to a lot of guys.”  
The man seemed shocked. Spidey stayed silent, and felt a bit sorry for the guy. You go to all the trouble of organising some sort of revenge, probably spend every waking moment thinking about it, and your nemesis doesn’t even remember you.  
That _was_ Deadpool though. Guy should have done his research.  
The man tried to pull himself back together. “Regardless,” he cried. “I _will_ have my revenge.”  
Deadpool looked at him. “I’m busy. Work hours are nine to five every weekday.” He lay back down and rested a hand over his eyes. “If you want to book an appointment, I left my number on the men’s restroom in McDonalds.” He gestured with his free hand. “The one that way.” Then he gestured the other way. “And the one that way.” He paused. “Actually any McDonalds within a ten mile radius. Mine’s the one in lipstick.”  
Balthazar’s eyes blazed. “You dare.”  
Deadpool sighed and sat up again. “Fine. Ten minutes. Let’s get this over with.”  
The man snarled. He jumped forward, and Deadpool leapt up, kicking the man in the chest. The man fell against the wall and grinned evilly, jumping to his feet.  
Deadpool pulled himself into a fighting pose. “Ready when you are.”  
Balthazar grinned, and gestured to Deadpool’s leg, where there was a small electronic device attached. “Already done.”  
Deadpool blinked at it. He reached down and pulled at it, but his hand stuck to it as well. He pulled at it. “Not good,” he murmured. The device began beeping. “Not good at all.” He said, trying to stand up and ending up balancing on one leg.  
“Attaches itself to heat, I’m afraid.” Balthazar explained.  
Deadpool scowled and pulled again. The device disconnected from his leg, but stayed attached to his hand. Wade shook his hand, but it stayed fast.  
The man gave him a mock salute. “See you in hell.” Then he turned and ran up the building, disappearing over its edge.  
“Oh, _now_ I remember him,” Deadpool commented.  
“ _Wade?”_ Peter asked worried. His spidey-sense was overwhelming, having kicked in the moment the device had been revealed. He put a hand to his head, trying to make it stop.  
Wade took off his mask and handed it to him. Then he rolled up Spidey’s mask, and kissed him, making sure that the explosive didn’t touch his lover. Then he pulled away, and saluted as well.  
“I’ll see you in… Well I’ll watch you from hell.” Then he too jumped up the building, following Balthazar. “Stay where you are, I’ll be right back!” he called.  
Spiderman tried to follow him, but his spidey-sense was going off – so bad he could barely stand. He rested against the wall. “ _Wade.”_  
  
There was silence.  
Nothing moved, but his spidey-sense didn’t stop. He groaned. He needed help. He needed to call someone. He needed…He fell to the ground. What was going on? This didn’t usually happen. He groaned again. “ _Wade…”_  
Suddenly, there was an explosion.  
  
“WADE!” Spiderman shouted, jumping to his feet, the pain suddenly gone. He scaled the wall quickly and tried to locate where they had gone. He saw smoke and followed it, leaping as quickly as he could toward the center.  
“Wade?!” he called again, as he landed back on the ground. He was in an empty playground. At least what looked like an empty playground, before it had been blown up. He looked around.  
“Wade,” he repeated fearfully. There was the sound of sirens in the distance. It was past midnight, so there wasn’t anyone around. “Wade!” He ran forward, searching for a piece of his lover. There was nothing. He made a pained noise. No body part, nothing. The trees and grass around the site had disintegrated. He made a noise. There was only ash. Could Wade come back from ash? How much did he need to resurrect himself?  
Spiderman fell to his knees, trying to fight rising tears.  
“Oh Peter, I didn’t know you cared,” came a voice from behind him.  
“Wade?” he said, jumping to his feet and running to the man. “But…” even with his healing factor, he couldn’t have healed that fast.  
Deadpool grinned. “Attaches to heat remember?” He nodded to the ash. “Balthazar gave off heat.” Spidey’s eyes widened. “So that’s…”  
“One free cremation, yep.”  
“Oh.”  
Deadpool grinned and pulled him close. “I said I’d be back,” he said teasingly. “Look I even made sure no civilians got hurt.”  
Spidey laughed shakily and leant into their embrace. “Bastard.” He said.  
“Do I get sex then? Great kinky I’m-glad-you’re-alive sex?”  
Peter rolled his eyes. “Maybe next time.”  
  
  
 **…and then he was back after five minutes.  He caught up to everyone with no problem…**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg it's so annoying to write out the word 'McDonalds', here in Australia we just call it "Maccas".


	3. “If I rest a bit I’ll be fine..."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late night meetings don't always go as planned.

**_“If I rest a bit I’ll be fine, I just need a little sleep that’s all,” he said…  
  
_** Peter woke up to the sound of scratching at his bedroom window. He ignored it.   
The scratching continued. He sighed and pulled a pillow over his head. He just wanted to sleep. It was one of the few days where he could actually sleep – when the world wasn’t in danger, and neither was his ‘real’ life. He could just sleep. Of course, that was _the plan_.   
The tapping increased in urgency, and Peter groaned louder. _Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut-  
_ There was a smash, and Peter jolted awake.   
He eyed his window, where there was now a hole, and a hand clad in red reaching through.  
“What the hell?”  
A face appeared by the window. “Sorry Petey,” Wade said in an oddly repentant tone. “I did knock.”  
“The door. You’re supposed to knock on _the door_.”  
Wade reached down and undid the latch of the window, opening it. Then he proceeded to fall into Spidey’s apartment, with a lack of grace that was strange even for him, and after his body had hit the ground he made no further movement.   
“…Wade?” Peter asked, worriedly. He looked… like hell. More so than usual. How he managed to get himself up to the window….  
Peter suddenly felt like a bad boyfriend. He stood up and crossed to where Deadpool lay.   
Deadpool opened one eye lazily. “I didn’t think…you’d want your neighbours seeing me like this.” He closed the eye again, and that’s when Peter really began to panic. If Deadpool was beginning to make sense… to act _normal_ …   
“What do you need me to do?”  
“’s fine. I’ll…sleep it off.”  
“ _Wade.”_  
“ _Petey.”_ Deadpool mimicked him, but his voice was far too weak for Peter to feel anything but fear.   
“I’ll call someone!” Peter jumped over to his bedside and picked up his mobile. Thank god Wolverine had given him his number. He dialled it quickly.   
“What’s up?” Logan answered immediately.   
“Ah, Wolverine, it’s Deadpool…”  
There was a grunt. “What about him?”  
“He’s here and…”  
“Just hit him over the head.”  
“No, it’s not that! He’s…not healing properly.”  
Wolverine waited.  
“He just turned up,” Petey continued desperately. “But there’s a hole in his chest and he’s beginning to make sense and-”  
“Calm down kid.” Logan finally interjected. “What happened?”  
Peter crouched down next to Deadpool and relayed the question.   
Deadpool shrugged weakly.   
“Why aren’t you healing properly?” he tried again.   
“Chemical…agent…” Wade murmured. “Sleep…”  
Peter told Logan what he said. Logan paused before replying.   
“Peter, Wilson won’t die. It could take a while, but he’ll recover.”  
“How do you-”   
Wolverine had already hung up.  
“Sleep…” Wade said again.   
Peter frowned and threw away his phone. He reached under his boyfriend and picked him up, trying not to notice all the blood leaking out of him, placing him gently into the bed.   
A part of his brain cursed how difficult the laundry was going to be. He reached over and began to strip his lover of his damaged clothes.   
Wade’s eyes opened for a second. “…kinky…” he whispered.   
Peter breathed out a shaky breath. “Later,” he promised.  
Wade smiled. He _smiled._ Not smirked, or grinned, he _smiled._ Peter stood up again and crossed to the bathroom, washing away the blood and trying very very hard not to throw up.   
If Wolverine said he was going to be okay, he was going to be okay, Peter tried to reassure himself. How Logan would know that, Peter had no idea. And besides, Wade was _always_ okay. _Always.  
_ He’d lost arms, legs, been blown up. He’d be fine.   
Peter looked at himself in the mirror and gave himself a small smile. Yes, he’d be fine.   
But when he went back into the bedroom he found it hard to believe. He looked away, trying to figure out what else he could do. He could call Tony, or Doctor Strange…but he doubted they’d know anything more.   
No there was nothing to do. He sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. He leant over and kissed Wade’s forehead.   
He just needed to sleep, that’s all.    
  
When Peter woke up, the bed was empty. He sat up, rubbing his head. He felt wet and looked down. He was covered in blood. He gasped and threw himself off the bed. Blood….  
From Wade.   
“Wade?” He jumped lithely to his feet. “Wade?”   
Where was he, he should be here….  
His bedroom door opened to reveal a very alive, and very naked boyfriend.   
“Hey Spidey, what’s up?”   
“Wade!” Peter ran over to him. “But…” He reached to touch Wade’s stomach, where the wound had been. Wade flinched and stepped away.   
“I’m not… It may look healed, but it isn’t.” Deadpool explained quickly. He gave him a wink. “So no kinky sex till later. Sorry Peter, doctor’s orders.”  
“Which doctor?” he asked absently.  
“Web MD.”   
Peter gave him a look. “Right.” He leant over and kissed him. “I’m glad you’re alright.”   
Wade grinned. “You really do care, don’t you?”   
Peter punched him in the shoulder. “You scared me to death!”   
Wade rubbed his arm and gave him a look of pretend hurt. “Ow Petey.”  
Spidey ruffled his hair and looked over his room. “What a mess.”  
Deadpool reached over and embraced his lover from behind. “Yeah. I’m trying to figure out if seeing you in my blood is erotic or disgusting.”  
Peter looked down and groaned. “I need a shower.”  
“Ooh! I’ll watch!”  
“No.” Peter replied firmly. “You’ll get rid of this mess.”  
Deadpool stuck out his lower lip. “Spoilsport.”  
“Idiot.”   
Deadpool laughed. “I’m not the one covered in blood.”  
“You’ll be covered in dirt when I bury you alive for this,” Peter muttered.   
Wade laughed again.   
**__  
  
…and then he closed his eyes and woke up three hours later…**


	4. “If I hide here..."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damsels in Distress and dashing mercenaries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear this story series was supposed to be more equal in the POV section, but it's so enjoyable to watch Peter try and cope with Wade.   
> Plus, I had to do this chapter like this with the idea I had. :)

**_“If I hide here, there’s no way he can get to me!” he said…_ **

Peter could barely move. His body ached and his head was swimming. He pulled himself forward.   
Behind him, only one wall away, was the sound of the enraged creature destroying everything.   
Spiderman had managed to lead him to an empty underground car park, but now his strength was depleted.   
A new animal villain, Spidey mused, was just what he needed. He was never going to live it down. Why couldn’t he have the cool villains like Loki or Doctor Doom?  
Not that he enjoyed fighting those guys… but most of his villains were either reptiles or insects. Wade seemed to get a perverse enjoyment of it all. He’d forbidden them from going to the zoo together – because he didn’t want Peter to ‘become arch-enemies with the lemurs’ or ‘piss off the pandas’. Same went with pet-shops, aquariums, petting zoos, circuses…Anywhere there were animals really. The fact that this new bad guy looked like some sort of feline crossed with an armadillo wasn’t going to help with that teasing at all.   
Peter let out a shaky breath. He needed to focus. He needed help.   
He needed to get away.   
The creature, which Spidey had lovingly dubbed Arma-Kitty, (not his best work, but who cared?) growled and smashed through to his section of the underground. Peter let out an involuntary moan. Everything hurt. He could barely move.   
Sometimes being Spiderman sucked.    
The Kitty stopped and raised itself into the air. Oh no…it wasn’t… smelling him out.. Of course.  
The creature obviously caught his scent, because it turned towards him and screeched.   
Peter groaned again. Why couldn’t it _not_ have superhuman senses?   
Just once.   
  
The creature leapt towards him, and in the same breath Peter forced himself to jump up and shoot the creature in the face, landing on the roof. He took a deep breath, ignoring the pained noises of the Kitty, and began to crawl, upside down, heading as far away from the beast as possible. Kitty managed to pull the webbing off its face.   
Spidey fell to the floor just before a car flew through the air, hitting the roof where Spidey had been only two seconds previously.   
_Move,_ Peter willed himself. _MoveMoveMove._  
He began to crawl.   
Of course, that was when the car exploded.  
  
Spiderman wasn’t sure what had set it off, but he bet it probably had something to do with it being thrown by an armadillo cat monster.   
Everything was on fire and hot and loud and Spidey was pretty sure his insurance didn’t cover half of what had been going on.   
There was another explosion. The creature seemed distracted by the fire, and began to throw other cars, which really wasn’t helping with the whole fire and explosions thing.   
He needed to get away. Peter looked around wildly. He needed…   
An elevator.   
It was right there.   
He changed direction, pulling himself along the ground towards the door.   
He needed to get there. The creature was blindly thrashing around, and Peter didn’t like his chances if it stumbled over his way.  
If only he wasn’t so exhausted.   
He wasn’t sure, but he may have blacked out slightly, because suddenly he was in front of the elevator door. Peter reached up, pulling himself up as much as he could and pressed the button before collapsing again. There was a pause, before the door opened. Spidey crawled into it.   
The last thing he saw before he passed out was the image of the screeching creature as the door shut.   
  
“Petey,” a voice sang as someone shook his shoulder. “Wake up. I’m here now.”   
Peter moaned. He didn’t want to wake up. “Five more minutes,” he pleaded.   
The voice chuckled, and suddenly Peter was flying.   
No. He was being picked up. Peter snuggled closer to the warmth of the other man’s body.   
“You’ve caused a lot of mess,” the voice chided as they began to move. “Luckily I was here to put down that…thing. Felinedillo?”  
“ArmaKitty,” Spidey corrected him.  
The voice made a noise. “Right. Now I know you’re exhausted. That was pathetic Peter.”  
Spidey moaned and the arms around him pulled him closer.   
“Come on Spidey, let’s go home.”  
  
When Peter blinked awake, hours later in his own bedroom, he felt like crap. He groaned.   
A hunched up figure at the end of the bed looked up. “Spidey!” Wade said happily. “Welcome back.”  
Peter sat up slowly and groaned again. “Wade.”   
His boyfriend leant in and kissed him. “Gave us a bit of a scare,” he chided.   
Peter rested his head on Wade’s shoulder. “Sorry.”  
Wade froze slightly. Then he wrapped his arms around Peter tightly. “Um, there there.”  
Peter chuckled tiredly. “What a good boyfriend you are.”  
Wade made an affronted noise. “I am. Killing that Armadillo creature, carrying you back here, changing your clothes-”  
“What?!” Peter looked down, then gave Deadpool a look. “I think that was more for your benefit right?”  
Wade nodded. “Yep.”  
“Am I wearing pants?”  
“I was afraid they might hinder your healing.”  
“So…no.”  
“Yep.” Wade said again.   
Peter was torn between laughing and sighing, so instead he pulled himself onto Wade’s lap. His lover’s eyes widened slightly.   
“Um, Petey…”  
Peter rested his head back on Wade’s shoulder. “Hmm?” he asked innocently.  
“You’re sorta…naked.”  
“Mmm?”  
“On my lap.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Clinging to me.”  
Peter kissed his neck softly and Wade moaned.   
“ _Peter.”_  
Spidey laughed and pulled himself off Wade, climbing back under the sheets and closing his eyes. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”  
“Huh- no Peter you can’t….that’s not fair… _Spidey_.” Wade poked at his boyfriend’s hip. “Peter!”   
But Peter was already asleep.   
 

**_  
…so he hid himself and was quickly found by his friends…_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peter's such a tease. Not a hundred percent happy with this chapter but *shrug*


	5. “What was that sound?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A party and an uninvited guest~

**_“What was that sound? Wait a sec, I’ll go check it out…!”_ **

The group of superheros laughed together. Peter leant against the wall and took another sip of his drink.  
They had just helped save New York….again. And Tony was feeling like he wanted to party.  
Which is why the Avengers, the Fantastic Four, Spidey and Wolverine were all crammed into the top floor of the Avenger’s tower with bad music playing and a selection of party foods.  
Wolverine was brooding in one of the arm chairs, while Johnny Storm and Clint Barton were playing drinking games. Mr Fantastic and the Ant-man were involved in some science conversation, and Tony was dancing around the party as an overeager host. Miss Potts, the real host, was watching everyone with a stern expression on her face – except when Tony came near and flirted. Of course, Tony was flirting with everyone – he’d even used a few lines on Peter. Steve kept shooting Tony dirty looks, which only encouraged the man.  
Spidey laughed as Clint beat Johnny once again. Of course, challenging a SHIELD spy to drinking games was a stupid idea in the first place – even Peter knew that.  
Then again, Johnny wasn’t the smartest guy. He was almost as reckless as Wade. Tony caught Peter’s eye and grinned at him, crossing the room and darting past his guests to stand by Peter.  
“Heya kiddo,” Tony said. “Nice work today.” He clinked their glasses together, then shot Spidey’s drink a look. “Hey, that’s not alcohol is it? I can’t be arrested for allowing minors to drink. That would be a blow to my reputation.”  
“Since when do you have a reputation?” Peter shot back.  
Tony shrugged. “It’s a work in process.”  
Peter chuckled, and asked “How’s that going?”  
Tony made a sad face. “Not very well, Spiderman.”  
They laughed and drank.  
Peter looked over Tony’s shoulder and gestured to the guests. “If you want to help your reputation, you should probably stop that.”  
“Stop wha-” He turned. “Ahh! Guys!” Tony darted off to stop Hawkeye, who had taken out his bow and was being egged on by the Human Torch to shoot a glass bottle off the television set.  
Peter looked down at his drink, trying to hide his grin. It was nice like this.  
“Enjoying yourself?”  
Peter resisted urge to jump on the ceiling. “Black Widow!”  
The woman smiled at him. “Natasha.”  
“Natasha,” he repeated. _How do you do that?_ “Um, yeah. It’s nice here. Right?” He blushed. The Russian spy always unnerved him slightly.  
Natasha grinned. “Yeah.”  
There was a silence, and they watched the group. Natasha shook her head at them. “Idiots.”  
Peter laughed.  
There was another silence.  
“How are you?” she asked him.  
Peter blinked at her. “Um. Good… You?”  
“I’m good too.”  
“Good.”  
“And your boyfriend?”  
Peter blushed deeper. “Um…yeah...yeah he’s good. Great. Yep.”  
“I noticed that the general well-being of New York has increased since you two started dating.”  
“Um yeah…” He was pretty sure his face was on fire. “I told him not to…”  
Now he _needed_ a diversion. An explosion taking out half of New York would be nice. Maybe th building could collapse.    
Natasha gave him a reassuring look. “Good work.”  
“I…thanks.”  
“Where is he?” she asked, scanning the crowd.  
“He’s out of town.”  
“Hmm.” She frowned at the group. “I should go help with that.” She gestured at where Tony, Clint and Johnny were getting into some sort of argument.  
Peter nodded and watched as she crossed the room to help Tony, feeling flattered, but also a bit…weird. He wasn’t really doing anything to Wade - Wade was good on his own, he just needed…guidance.  
Suddenly Peter’s phone vibrated. Peter looked at it.  
‘What are you wearing?’ the text read.  
Peter sighed in mock annoyance. Speak of the devil.  
‘Not right now, Wade.’  
Wade didn’t reply.  
Peter shook his head in fondness.  
“Hey Spider,” Clint called, walking over to him and putting his arm over Peter’s shoulders. “Go and get us some food from the kitchen, okay?”  
Peter gave him a look. “Why don’t you do it?”  
Clint blinked innocently. “Because I’m drunk. What if I fall and trip? Do you want that on your conscious?”  
Peter sighed. “Fine.”  
“Knew we could count on you. Get us some more chips, and dip and…just get everything. Food.”  
 Peter rolled his eyes and slipped out of Clint’s hold. “Right.”  
“Good job Peter! Don’t forget the dip!”  
Peter walked across the room to the elevator, and pressed the button to go to the kitchen. The lift stopped at the right floor and Peter walked to the fridge. There was a lot of junk in there, which made sense when he thought about how Thor and Hulk both were practically permanent house guests.  
Peter began to pick out foods (and dip!), compiling a small pile on the counter, when a dark figure passed the window from the outside.  
“Sir,” JARVIS said.  
Peter’s head jerked up. “Yes JARVIS?”  
“There is a visitor outside the window.”  
Peter looked where JARVIS had indicated.  
“ _Wade?”_ Peter crossed the room and opened the window. “Wha-why?”  
“I missed you. And you didn’t answer my sext.”  
Peter frowned at him, trying to smother the urge to hug the idiot. “I’m at a party, how did you even..?”  
“Oh, I put a tracking device in your skin while you were asleep.” Wade said, entering the room.  
“What!?”  
Wade laughed. “Just kidding. I had Weasel hack into SHIELD and find out where you were.”  
“ _Great.”_ Just what he needed, Deadpool breaking into SHIELD.  
Wade opened his arms. “Do I get a hello kiss?”  
Peter rolled his eyes and stepped close, giving him a peck on the cheek. “Welcome home.”  
Deadpool pulled him tighter to him, and took off his mask, so that they could kiss properly. After a while, Spiderman broke the kiss, panting slightly.  
Wade pushed their foreheads together. “I missed you,” he said. Then his hands trailed down to cup Peter’s ass. “ _This_ part of you in particular.”  
Peter slapped away his hands. “Yeah, I missed you too.” He replied sarcastically.  
Deadpool pulled a face. “I really did miss you,” he complained. Then he noticed the food on the bench, and sidestepped around Peter to grab one of the chip packets. “Mmm dip!” he said and opened the dip, and began to eat the Avengers snacks.  
“Hey!” Peter exclaimed. “Are you molesting me or stealing my food?”  
“Why not both?” Deadpool said, walking back and pulling Spidey close with one arm, while eating with the other.  
Spiderman made an annoyed noise and pushed him away. “Forget it.”  
Deadpool gave him a sad look and stopped eating, closing the distance between them. “Aw Petey, I’m sorry, I didn’t know my molesting meant so much to you.”  
Peter glared at him. “Yeah, it’s the highlight of my evening.”  
Deadpool gave him an evil grin. “Good.” His hands slipped into Peter’s pants and Peter gasped in response. “It’s the highlight of mine too.” He kissed Peter again.  
Peter tried really hard to pull together some pretence of anger, but instead he moaned. Deadpool laughed and kissed his neck.  
“Sirs,” JARVIS chimed in suddenly, and they jumped apart.  
“Yes JARVIS?” Peter asked embarrassedly.  
“Master Clint is in the elevator heading to you,” the AI informed them.  
“Oh.” Peter said. “Oh!” He looked around wildly, but Deadpool was already halfway out the window.  
“See you later Petey!” the mercenary said. “We can continue later.”  
Peter cursed under his breath and jumped over the counter, so he was between it and the fridge. He reached into the chip bag and began eating, trying to seem casual.  
“Peter!” the drunk archer slurred. “There you are. We were getting worried. Hey!” he said, noticing what Peter was doing. “That dips mine!”  
Peter flushed. “Um sorry.”  
“Should’ve known you were stealing our food.” Clint muttered, reaching the counter and scraping the majority of the pile into his arms. “Bad Spider,” he chided, then walked back to the elevator.  
“Bring that dip!”  
Peter laughed and grabbed the dip and the bag of chips. “Coming.”  
Neither noticed the red figure in the window, watching them both with a smile.  
  
 _ **Nothing out of the ordinary…**_


	6. “M-money is what you want?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. I burnt my hand and it blistered (yuck) and that's not really the best motivator for writing. And then I had uni exams and then personal stuff and by the time I got through it all I had forgotten what it was I wanted to write, which was a shame because I definitely had something good, and this isn't any less good (of course) but it's slightly different than what I had planned. (Sorry for babbling) 
> 
> Anyway, I've been looking forward to writing this. Also Miku is adorably cute when she sings this line (but somehow she's even cuter with the last two lines of the song) and I just adore this whole thing.  
> Also Deadpool is a bit of a cutie.

 

 ** _“M-money is what you want? I’ll give you everything! Just spare my life!”_**  
  
‘I’m bored.’  
[Understandable]  
They were after all, alone in his bed. Peter was busy working or something. So poor little Wade was left all alone with the voices in his head.  
‘Stupid Petey. Why does he have to work anyway? I could take care of him.’  
[Independence?]  
‘Urgh, yuck.’ Deadpool rolled over to his stomach. ‘Can’t even look at porn.’  
Not that there was a law forbidding it or anything, but once he started on porn, he began imagining Spidey instead, and it only ended up with him being more desperate than ever for his spandex clad lover.  
He moaned. Why did Peter have to work?  
In fact, why did Peter have to leave his sight at all?    
The question burned into his mind.  
Not literally, thank the writer, he added to himself. He’d had enough things burnt into him… There was a point to this he was sure.  
[Peter?]  
Right. Yes. It was time to finally confront him about this all.  
  
~  
  
It was midday when Deadpool tracked down Peter, sitting in a café. He was with two other girls, which flared Wade’s jealousy.  
[Focus]  
Yes. He slipped into the chair across from Peter. The group stopped laughing. Wade ignored the twinge of self-conciousness. The weather had allowed him to bundle up, so there was no way they could notice his scars, he told himself. It was probably more the fact some random guy had walked up to their table, he assumed. He hadn’t actually really had any interaction with ‘Peter’s’ (Not Spidey’s) friends. Something about him scaring them and normal lives and people who weren’t jacked up on radiation, which Deadpool still had a bit of a problem with, but wasn’t going to bring up now. He had more important things to focus on.  
“Peter,” Wade said, leaning forward.  
Peter stared at him. “Wade.”  
One of the girls coughed on her drink. “You mean, your _boyfriend_ Wade?”  
Peter didn’t look at her. “Is something wrong?” he asked Wade cautiously.  
Wade nodded. “You don’t spend enough time with me.”  
Deadpool watched as all the tension slipped out of his shoulders.  
“Time.” He repeated flatly. “You came here, to say I don’t spend enough time with you.”  
Deadpool nodded. “You don’t.”  
The red haired girl sitting next to Peter gave a half-laugh. “It’s going to be worse now.”  
Deadpool looked at her, then looked back at Petey, his voice jumping up a scale. “Peter? What does she mean?”  
Peter looked around and stood up. “Let’s walk.”  
If that wasn’t a reason to panic, he didn’t know what was.  
Deadpool stood up, his fingers instinctively making their way to the hidden gun in his jacket – just in case.  
  
~  
  
They were on their second lap of the building before Wade finally decided to speak up. Peter had been looking anywhere but him the whole walk and Wade needed to know whether people needed to be shot or not.  
“What is it then?” Wade asked. “Are you dumping me?” The second question came out in a rush.  
Peter stopped suddenly and looked him over. Then he sighed and slipped his hand into Wade’s, leaning against him lightly.  
Wade blinked. That was a good sign right?  
“I’m not dumping you,” Peter told him. Wade’s heart lifted, but he tried to play it cool.  
“That’s good.”  
“But…”  
And there was the plummeting. His hand tightened around Peter’s and Peter’s tightened in response.  
“It’s just…” Peter bit his lip. “I’m getting another job.”  
Wade stumbled. At first he felt deliriously happy – Peter was fine, _they_ were fine, everything was fine. But then…  
“We won’t be able to spend time together,” he said in his saddest voice.  
Peter shook his head. “I know.”  
“But… Why?”  
Peter sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Money’s tight.”  
Wade blinked twice.  
And then he slapped his free hand over his mouth to stop himself laughing.  
“This is serious,” Peter protested. “Between studying and looking after Aunt May, and trying to maintain a ‘normal’ life and being,” he whispered the last word, “Spiderman. I’m not getting enough money. I don’t know how we’ll pay the bills this month. I need another job.”  
Wade blinked at him again. This was more ridiculous than anything he could come up with.  
After calming himself, Wade blurted out, “But I’m rich?”  
Peter gave him a stunned look. Out of all the replies he had been expecting, that hadn’t been one of them. “Okay first, the place you live in is…” he searched for a politically correct term. “horrible.”  
“I like it like that.” Wade complained.  
“Second.” Peter continued. “I’m not taking hand-outs.”  
Wade stopped suddenly and pushed Peter against the closest wall. The few people walking gave them a look, but since there seemed no cause for alarm they ignored them.  
Peter breathed out slowly. “Wade?”  
Wade growled. “It wouldn’t be a hand-out.” He paused to collect himself. “You’re my boyfriend.”  
“That doesn’t mean-”  
“We should move into together.”  
“Huh?”  
“Yes,” Wade said with a happy, slightly ecstatic tone. “We can move in. I’ll buy us an apartment. No, an apartment building. No, a block! We can live in the penthouse and May can live on the floor underneath us and we can be a happy family.”  
Peter pursued his lips. “What’s going on?”  
“You’re moving in with me,” Wade said, pulling Peter away from the wall and wrapping his arm around his waist as they continued their walk. “I told you I was rich when we first met,” he reminisced. “Wait, the reason you’ve been gone so much-”  
“I’ve been taking odd jobs,” Peter said in a dazed voice. “Do you really want me to move in with you?”  
Wade nodded. “Yep. And I’ll buy us food and stuff, so all your little working money can go to that aunt of yours!”  
Peter wasn’t sure what was going on, but…  
“Wade.”  
“Hmm?” the other man stopped his planning to give him a concerned look.  
“I love you.”  
Wade chuckled and pulled him closer for a kiss. “You’ll love me more when we move into the penthouse,” he promised. “It’s every spider’s dream.”  
  
 _ **Money settled everything.**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^^ By the way guys, I now have a tumblr - http://crimesofadeadpool.tumblr.com/ - It's a Marvel blog, just in case you wanted to check it out or send me prompts.


	7. “There’s no one who can live through my technique!”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Probably the fluffiest and most domestic chapter so far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because of Miss_L's insistence. And her puppy-eyes of dooom.

**_“There’s no one who can live through my technique!”_**  
  


When Peter woke up, he was alone. He rolled over onto his stomach and checked the clock. His brain didn’t process much, except that it was past midnight and before reasonable waking hours. He groaned. “Wade?” he called softly. There was no response. It was their first night living together and Wade was gone. He didn’t want to think about what that meant. He had enough stuff for a couples counsellor already. He shot a look toward their new bathroom. The lights were turned off, and there was no sound coming from there. He groaned again.  
“Wade!” he called, louder this time.  
“Petey!” came the delighted response from somewhere else in the apartment.  
Peter groaned once more and pulled himself to his feet, not bothering to fix himself in any way other than to pull up his pants. He had gone to bed half-naked and was hoping to return to it the same way, boyfriend in tow.  
  
~

“What are you doing?” Peter asked, walking barefoot into their new kitchen.  
Wade gave him a grin. “Food!” he declared happily. He gestured around the kitchen. “Pancakes there, noodles there, roast chicken there, potato chips, fish fingers, seafood sticks, oysters,” he rattled off a few more types of food until Peter held up his hand.  
“Why?” he asked, trying to shake away the sleep induced confusion.  
Deadpool tossed the apple that he was carving (seriously?) onto the bench. “Well,” Deadpool began in his teasing way, “I wanted to make you breakfast in bed.” He turned around, facing the mess of food. “But I wasn’t sure what you’d want. I started with typical food,” he babbled, “pancakes and stuff, then I thought, but maybe he’d prefer seafood so I did that,” he waved to the seafood section, “But then I remembered how fit you are, and maybe you’d like something healthy.” His shoulders slumped. “I’m a horrible boyfriend.”  
Peter stifled a laugh and walked over to him, wrapping his arms around his waist. “Why are you making me breakfast in bed?”  
“Because it’s our first night together,” Wade said, moving so that they could kiss.  
“So you decided to raid our fridge?” Peter asked skeptically.  
Wade shook his head. “There’s a 24-hour shop down the road.” He shifted nervously.  
“Right.” Peter said.  
“Aren’t I charming?” Wade said. “I’m the most perfect boyfriend ever right?” He gave Peter a hopeful look.  
Peter knew that technically, yes, he should compliment Wade on his (almost frightening) dedication to the boyfriend routine. But he sorta wanted to play it out.  
He slipped away from Wade and began sampling the food, taking a bite from the fruit platter and a spoonful of soup.  
They were all, surprisingly, good. Wade had put a lot of effort into this, he thought, pleased. As he looked for a way to stall, a thought occurred to him.  
“Were you planning on waking me so that I could eat this?”  
Wade blinked. “Uh..”  
“Cos it would’ve gotten cold.” Peter commented, not looking at him.  
Wade slumped. “Right.”  
Peter shot him a grin. “It’s good.” And it was. It tasted fantastic. Which made him worry that Wade had kidnapped a chef or a cook or something and was making him cook for them.  
Wade perked up. “I took lessons.”  
Peter froze. “Uh.. You took…cooking lessons?”  
Wade nodded.  
“For me? For… this?” he waved his hands.  
Wade nodded again.  
Peter blinked. “Did they…survive it? The teacher?”  
He winced trying to imagine Deadpool doing anything like that. Oh god, the explosions and the jokes and Wade telling everyone he was sleeping with Spiderman while the place went up into flames.  
Wade nodded again. “It was touch and go for a while,” he added.  
Peter leant back against the counter and grabbed a fish finger, eating it as he contemplated the situation. Wade stood in the middle of the room nervously.  
“What gave you the idea?” Peter finally asked, swallowing the food and moving across the room to have a pancake.  
“Um.” Wade’s face scrunched up as he tried to remember. “Movies? I guess. Maybe a magazine or two.”  He shrugged. “Isn’t this what everyone does?” he blinked, suddenly panicked. “This is what people do right? It’s not just in fiction?!”  
“Hmm.” Peter said, not really replying, instead moving once again to try another piece of fruit.  
Wade was still standing there awkwardly, waiting. Peter bit back a grin, but he could hear Aunt May chiding him for teasing the ‘poor boy’.  
He finished off the piece of orange and wiped his hands on his pants before closing the distance between the two of them and pulling him into a sloppy food-tasting kiss.  
After they parted for air, Wade laughed, resting his head against Peter’s. “You really like it?”  
Peter nodded. “I mean, you’ve destroyed the kitchen and put way too much effort into this. But it’s nice. Perfect even.”  
Wade chuckled and pulled him closer. “Good.” Then his tone took on a lecherous tone. “That’s code for ‘my boyfriend has outdone himself in such a way that the only way to make up for it is perfect sex’ right?”  
Peter pulled away and made a face as if he was seriously considering it. “I would…”  
Wade’s face lit up.  
“But we need to eat this stuff.” Peter continued. “and put away the stuff that can’t be eaten now.” He shook his head. “God knows if we have enough space for it all.”  
Wade pulled a face. “And then?”  
“We’ll see.” Peter promised with a smile. Then he walked over to a bench and picked up a bowl. “Noodles?” he offered.  
Wade smiled back and took the bowl. “Don’t mind if I do.” He twirled the spoon around and waved it in Peter’s face. “Open up.”  
Peter grinned and bit at the spoon.  
Wade made a pained noise.  
“You know I’m going to make you cook a lot more now,” Peter commented.  
“Better make it worth my while then,” Wade replied with a grin.

**_There seriously wasn’t anyone who could…_ **


	8. I'm Fine, It's Not A Big Deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sobs slightly* Okay so I'm very very sorry that I left this so long. Not just because I left you guys hanging for so long, but cos I reread this and I'm actually really happy with it. I'd forgotten how adorable this was. 
> 
> *Cough* Bit angsty with a lot of overreacting from Deadpool. Poor baby.

**_“I’m fine, it’s not a big deal!”_ **

Wade woke up in an empty bed.   
He sat up and pouted. Why was Peter never in bed when he wanted him to?  
[That’s always.]  
That’s true. He’d be perfectly happy if they spent the rest of their lives together in bed.   
Which wouldn’t work if Peter kept leaving like this.   
Wasn’t _he_ the one who was supposed to be up and leaving at odd hours of the day? _He_ was the mercenary, the assassin. _He_ was the unreliable one.   
So why wasn’t he there?!  
He groaned and pulled himself out of bed, not bothering to get dressed and walking naked through their apartment.   
It seemed Peter was never around anymore. There was a growing worry in Wade’s mind, which he ignored. Petey was a big boy, he had other stuff to do than hang around having sex and chimichangas with his boyfriend.   
He whistled to himself, making his way to the kitchen. He opened the door to the fridge, leaning over to take something out of the bottom shelf of the door.   
There was the sound of the door opening and Wade straightened to welcome Peter with a goofy grin.   
The door opened and there was a moment of silence.   
Harry Osborn blinked at him. “This is… Peter’s apartment right?”  
Wade nodded dumbly and waved. “I’m Wade.” He was in shock, right? He was standing there, completely naked. _Naked._ Scars and all. Peter might be doing something for his confidence, but there was still that underlying self-hatred lurking in his mind. He was trying to figure out which one had the most effect.   
Harry’s eyes skimmed Wade’s body, then looked back to him. “Right.”   
Wade nodded again. “And you’re…?”  
“Osborn.” He seemed to perk up at being back on familiar ground. “Harry Osborn.”  
“Oh, the Green Goblin.”  
Harry’s eyes widened. “How do you-”  
Wade shrugged. “Peter.”  
Harry looked down almost sheepishly. “Right.”   
Wade nodded for the third time. “I should get dressed.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Cos if Peter comes home soon, this could be misconstrued.”  
“Yeah.”   
“And that would be bad.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Unless you wanted to?” He said quickly.  
Yep, he was definitely in shock. Was he offering to run away with the Green Goblin? He wasn’t sure anymore. Not that Harry wasn’t attractive. Those jeans were far too attractive on him. Not as good as Petey in spandex though.   
“Uh… no. Thanks.”  
Wade nodded. _Again._ There really needed to be a new action for being caught naked in your own apartment by your boyfriend’s friend. Or arch-nemesis. He hadn’t been paying attention.   
“Good.” He said. He gestured to the room. “Yes. Clothes. Now.”  
He darted around the room and threw himself into his bedroom. He threw on as many items of clothes as he could, reasoning that if he was super-dressed up now, it’d make up for him being not-dressed at all earlier. He also grabbed a few grenades and a sai, just in case they were in an evil-Green Goblin phase.   
He strode back in. Harry had seated himself at the table.   
“So, why has the Green Goblin decided to grace my apartment?”  
“Harry.”  
“Huh?”  
“My name’s Harry.”  
“Isn’t that what I said?”  
“No.”  
“Oh.” He shook his head. “Why are you here? How did you get in? Are you planning on killing anyone, cos I _just_ got the apartment looking how I like, and bloodstains are a complete _bitch_ to get out of the carpet. Then again,” he looked to the corner of the room. “I was just thinking that area could use some spicing up, so I guess if you _are_ going to kill me, aim that way. Bloodstains do add character and all.”   
Harry looked at him. “I’m not here to kill you.”  
“Oh good!”   
[He could be lying]  
<Goblins do that>  
[We must not look at Goblin Men]  
‘Too late for that. Or at least, vice versa.’  
[We must not buy their fruits.]  
‘We _sorta_ offered to buy his ‘fruit’.’  
The box sighed. [No culture.]  
‘You’re the one reciting stupid poetry when there’s a possible murderer sitting at our table.   
[ _We’ve_ actually murdered people, I don’t think it matters.]  
‘Yeah but we’re better now.’  
He realised Harry was talking. “Ah, wait, go back a bit.”   
Harry frowned. “Peter gave me the keys. He needed me to get a few things.”  
Wade blinked in sudden panic. _Peter_ was _leaving him._  
He was sending Harry to get his stuff. Like in that song, he was getting his friends to ‘collect his records’ and then he was going to change his number and he would be gone.   
Wade scanned his memory. He must have done something. Or maybe Peter had just gotten sick of him. It had happened before. Every other time he’d had some semblance of a relationship, in fact.   
[Are we overreacting?]   
‘It’s _Peter.’_  
[Right. We’re screwed.]   
He balled his hands into fists. Maybe if he killed Harry this would all go away.   
[Yeah, kill the boy, that’ll make Peter want us again.]  
‘It’d make me feel better.’  
[No.]  
Wade realised Harry was staring at him.   
“Please go ahead,” he said politely. “Take whatever you want.”   
Harry nodded and disappeared into the bedroom. Wade waited a few seconds then walked to the nearest window, pulling himself out of the apartment. Next thing he knew he was several blocks away and still running.   
_Peter didn’t love him anymore._  
  
~  
  
Peter waited, tapping his foot anxiously.   
“Here,” Harry said as he approached, dropping the bag in Peter’s hands.   
Peter gave him a relieved smile. “Thanks. I was beginning to worry.” He shrugged. “Can’t be a photographer without a camera.” He peered nervously around the corner. “And if Jameson found out I’d left it at home…” he shuddered. “Was Wade there?” He’d also been a bit concerned about them meeting without him there – Wade seemed to have trouble keeping track of who was good and bad.   
Harry flushed. “Yeah.”  
“What?” _Please don’t let him have shot anything, please let me come home to an intact house.  
_ “He was…naked.”  
Peter swallowed a laugh with a cough. “What?!”   
Harry gave him a look. “It wasn’t funny.”  
“Didn’t you knock?”   
“You gave me the keys, I didn’t think I’d be barraged with your naked boyfriend.”  
Peter laughed again. “Wait,” he said, suddenly concerned. “Did he seem okay? He didn’t freak out, did he?”  
Harry shrugged. “I think he asked me to have sex with him.”  
Peter sighed in relief. “Good.” He gave Harry a mock look of suspicion. “You didn’t, did you?”  
Harry grinned back. “I _was_ tempted. But Max keeps me busy.”   
Peter smiled and looked back to the building. “I have to go. Thanks again.”  
Harry nodded. “See you.”  
  
~  
Peter dragged his body into the apartment. God he was tired. Jameson was one hell of a boss.   
“Make sure you get that, Peter.” “Keep your eye out for that Spider Menace.”   
Ridiculous.   
Peter was looking forward to collapsing into bed. It was Wade’s turn to cook, and he was much better at it than Peter was. Peter had also made a mental note to scold him for offering to have sex with Harry.   
He looked around the room and frowned. Something about the apartment just seemed deserted. It was still and silent.   
“Wade?” he called.   
There was no reply. His frown deepened and he walked to the fridge. When Wade had a job, he left a note in the alphabet magnets on the fridge. Of course, he also left long voicemails which were a mix of apologies and porny remarks.   
There was nothing on the fridge.  
Peter leant against the counter for a second. Then he walked into the bedroom. Empty.   
“Wade?” he called again. He sat on the edge of the bed and closed his eyes.   
Where the hell was he?   
He sighed and collapsed back on the bed. He’d deal with it in the morning.   
  
~  
  
Peter awoke and reached out for Wade.   
Still empty.   
Peter sat up and ran a hand through his hair.   
“Wade,” he whined. Then he pulled himself into the bathroom, going through his morning routine as if his boyfriend hadn’t disappeared without a note or a text.   
When he’d dressed and showered he made his way to the fridge, grabbing an apple and staring blankly at the message-less fridge as he ate it.   
He threw the apple in the bin and scowled. This had gone on long enough.   
  
~  
  
A few minutes later and Spider-Man was swinging through the air.   
He didn’t really have a plan. He was just looking, he told himself. A quick look around town. Wade wasn’t that good at hiding, after all. He stopped by all the usual places - anywhere that sold chimichangas or alcohol. He landed on a nearby rooftop and sighed.   
If I were Wade, where would I go?   
He scratched his head. The carnival wasn’t in town. He sighed and sat down. Wade would have had a good comeback for that.   
Well, there was no use sitting around waiting for him.   
He stood up and stretched, then went back to the streets.   
  
~  
  
“Wade!”  
On a whim – or perhaps more accurately, after he’d exhausted every other option – he’d tracked Wade to an abandoned penthouse.   
Deadpool jumped. “Peter!” he said, his voice a few octaves too high.   
Peter crossed his arms. “Where have you been?”   
Wade scratched the back of his head. “Well, you know…”  
Peter shook his head. “No, I don’t. I’ve been looking for you all day!”  
“How did you find me?”  
“Process of elimination,” Peter muttered, pulling off his mask. Then he glared at Wade. “What have you been doing? You didn’t leave a note or a message. I was so worried!”   
Wade took a step back. Peter wasn’t usually so aggressive.   
“I was just…”  
“What?”   
“Because you’re leaving me!” Wade said desperately.   
“What?!”   
“You sent Harry to get your stuff. You’re never around anymore. I wake up alone and you’re already gone. You’re leaving me!”   
Peter looked at him disbelievingly. Then he closed his eyes and sighed angrily. “Are you kidding me?”  
Wade blinked back at him with wide eyes, scratching his arm nervously. Here it was.   
“I’m not leaving you!” Peter burst out.   
“…what?”   
“I just wanted my camera. My _camera._ ” He shook his head. “I left it behind. And yeah, I haven’t been around much, but that’s cos Jameson is a dick and it’s been pretty hectic. Wade, I _love_ you. I’m not going anywhere.”   
Wade blinked at him again. “You’re not…?”  
Peter stepped close. “I’m _not.”_ He touched Wade’s arm. “Okay?”  
Wade grinned and pulled him into a kiss.   
“Can’t…breathe…” Peter gasped.   
Wade let him go, but still kept him close. “Who needs air when you’ve got a boyfriend like me?”  
Peter glared at him. “I’m still angry at you.”  
Wade smiled and kissed him again. “Don’t care. Come on Spidey, let’s have make-up sex.”  
“We _didn’t break up_.”   
[Felt like it to me]  
<All that angst>  
Wade nodded. “The boxes are right. I went through a lot of emotional trauma Petey, you owe me.”   
Peter closed his eyes. “You know, now that I think about it, I might dump you after all.”  
Wade grinned. “Too late!” He squeezed Peter’s butt, making him yelp. “Let’s go home.”   
  
**__  
Everything was totally fine…**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh~ Christina Rossetti's 'Goblin Market' yay. "We must not look at Goblin Men, We must not eat their fruit. Who knows upon what soil they fed their hungry, thirsty roots?" That could actually work pretty well for a SpideyxGoblin fic, note to self.   
> Also HarryxMax cos why not.


	9. “That I thought for even a second that you might have died…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cough* I swear it gets better in the second half. I hate writing action scenes, just bear with me. Or skip the first seven hundred words. Up to you.  
> Also I tried /really/ hard not to do a whole Phlint scene and keep it all ambiguous so you know...

_“That I thought for even a second that you might have died…_  
  
[Ooh explosions.]  
So many explosions. He ducked.  
“So, we gotta plan?” Wade asked the closest superhero, in this case, Iron Man overhead. “We winging it?” There was an explosion and something hit the ground. “If we are, I think we’re going to crash and burn.”  
Tony sighed under his breath. “Focus Deadpool.”  
Deadpool grinned. “Just trying to lighten the mood.” A fire broke out on one side of the street. He gave a mock sigh. “I see I’m not needed.”  
“Heads up!” Falcon called as Natasha’s body flew backwards.  
Deadpool skidded out of his hiding spot and caught her.  
He grunted as her weight forced him backwards.  
She raised an eyebrow. “Thanks.”  
He let her down.  
“Your arms a bit…”  
She looked at her arm and without a second pause popped her dislocated shoulder back into place.  
Deadpool scrunched up his face. “Yuck.”  
Natasha looked at Tony. “Peter and Clint are trying to get close to its centre.”  
“By which you mean the giant alien with tentacles, sprawling across several dozen blocks, terrorising the good city of New York?     ”  
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Wade said.  
Natasha sighed. “Everyone else is working on distracting it. Thor and Hulk are taking the south, Steve and the SHIELD team are at the west, and the X-Men are at the east.”  
“Which leaves us at the north.” Tony confirmed.  
Nat nodded.  
  
~  
  
Clint fired off another arrow.  
“Mind keeping me level?”  
He felt Peter roll his eyes. “Oh sorry, how stupid of me to dodge the giant tentacles trying to kill us.”  
“At least, I’m actually hurting the alien. You’re just swinging. And not in the good way.”  
They were both swinging, technically, Peter keeping Clint close as they swung through the city over the black mess of alien. It was a difficult position, giving Clint enough room to shoot while still allowing Peter to be flexible enough to dodge. They had both already agreed to never speak about it again.  
Peter sighed loudly. “I thought work meant I could get away from the innuendos.”  
“It’s your own fault for dating a co-worker. And dating Deadpool. If you hadn’t, your home would be the innuendo free place.”  
Peter sighed again and twisted carefully to avoid a car thrown at them.  
“There!” Clint yelled over the explosion, pointing to a building perch.  
Peter turned and a few seconds later they landed on the roof.  
“You think you can take the shot from here?” Peter asked, dusting down his suit.  
Clint gave him an incredulous look. “Are you kidding?”  
Peter shrugged and used his web-slingers to divert a tentacle away from where Clint was preparing his special arrow.  
“One shot to the glowy purple bit,” Clint murmured.  
“I know,” Peter said in a normal voice. “I was at the meeting.”  
Clint muttered something indistinguishable.  
Peter ignored him. “Hey, does this remind you of Venom? I wondered if they’re related.”  
“Dude, right now all I can think of is anime tentacle porn,” Clint stood up.  
“Try to talk science with the archer,” Peter muttered to himself.  
Clint nocked the arrow. “Hey, I appreciate science.” His arm swayed slightly as he aimed. “And actually, this is more like Monster Blood. You know, Goosebumps?”  
Peter stepped to the side and pulled another tentacle away. “You read Goosebumps?”  
Clint made an annoyed noise and tried to re-aim. “Nah, I saw it on TV once.”  
Peter scoffed. “Listen, I’m gonna go do some running and stuff, draw it’s fire. You do the archery stuff.”  
Clint nodded, the rest of his body practically frozen as he tried to calculate a path to reach that ‘glowy purple bit’.  
Peter took off running, jumping off the side of the building and reappearing on the building on the opposite side of the street.  
He shot a few webs to get its attention.  
It reared up and began attacking in earnest. As he dodged the goo, Peter wondered why stuff like that always happened to him. He had crossed fifty yards before he realised he was heading deeper into tentacle territory, towards the purple centre. He skidded to a halt, barely missing getting hit, and did a 180.  
He jumped and ducked and a few seconds later he saw Clint’s arrow shoot past him.  
He made his way back to Clint. “Need a lift?” he asked, panting slightly.  
“If you don’t mind.” Clint replied.  
Spidey picked him up and began swinging away. “I was expecting more of a splash.”  
“It’s on a timer. I thought you were in the meeting- Aargh,” he cried as a tentacle slashed at him.  
“Watch it!!”  
“You try juggling an archer and the tentacles,” Spidey retorted. “You could stand to lose some weight, by the way.”  
Clint scowled. “Thanks. Three,” he began in a different tone. “Two…one.”  
There was a silence. And then the goo shuddered and exploded, and the two men were thrown forward.  
  
~  
  
“Eww.” Tony said, holding out his gunk-covered hands and scrunching his nose.  
Deadpool shook himself like a dog. “Double eww.”  
Natasha ran a hand through her hair. “Thirded.”  
“Is that a word?” Tony asked.  
“I’m covered in the corpse of an alien goo. Words are the least of my problems.” She held her hand up to her ear. “Coulson?” She walked off to the side.  
“You okay?” Tony asked Wade. He’d taken one or two hits throughout the whole alien goo fight.  
Wade looked at him in surprise. “I don’t think you’ve ever asked me that before.”  
Tony shrugged.  
“Does this mean we’re _friends?”_  
Tony rolled his eyes. “Excuse me for being considerate.”  
“That’s not a no,” Wade sung.  
  
~  
Clint groaned and pulled himself off the ground. “Ew. Ew. Double ew.” Out there, near the centre, the goo was an ankle high lake.  
He rubbed the goo from his hair. “Yuck.”  
“Clint?! Clint?” The voice was muffled in his ear.  
He tapped the headset. “I’m here, Coulson.”  
“Good.” Phil’s natural professionalism reappeared. “The threat appears to be neutralised.”  
Clint looked at the ground. “Seems so.”  
“Clean up is on the way.”  
“Good.” He shuddered. “I have goo in places goo should never be.”  
He could hear Phil’s repressed smile. “Both of you get back to base. Fury’s allowing the teams a clean-up time of our own.”  
“See you soon, Phil.”  
He disconnected and leant against the closest wall, taking off one of his shoes and emptying it. He was halfway through emptying the second one before he remembered Phil’s words.  
“ _Peter!”_  
  
~  
  
“I need a medic team.” The call went through.  
“Ooh, I hope it’s Cyclops.” Deadpool grumbled. “He’s always criticising me.”  
Tony and Natasha swapped looks.  
“Wilson, that was Hawkeye calling it in.”  
“I know,” Wade nodded.  
“Clint wasn’t anywhere near the X-Men.”  
Wade blinked twice. “No…” he faltered. “He was with…”  
Then he was off, running through the destroyed centre, calling out his boyfriend’s name.  
  
~  
  
“Where is he?!” Wade demanded, pushing through the SHIELD clean-up team.  
Coulson turned to look at him, his professional face turning into something that was probably supposed to be reassuring. It wasn’t. Nothing that was supposed to be reassuring was ever actually reassuring.  
“Mr Wilson,” he began.  
And that. ‘Mr Wilson’. No, no, no. Not good.  
“He’s okay right?” He asked desperately, clutching at Phil’s top. Phil didn’t react.  
Instead he took a deep breath. “He’s in the care of our medics now.”  
“ _Medics!”_ Deadpool screeched. The clean-up team around him froze, and Deadpool heard the click of several guns.  
“Please let go of my clothes Mr Wilson, and I’ll take you to him.”  
  
~  
  
Wade watched from the glass window leading into the hellicarrier’s medic bay.  
“The explosion wounded him badly.”  
Wade clenched his hands. “Will he live?”  
“I-”  
“Will. He. Live?!”  
Phil looked away. “We don’t know.”  
Wade forced himself to be calm. He’d been making great strides in the whole anger management thing. And besides if he killed anyone, they might stop treating Peter and he couldn’t live with himself-  
Oh god, what if Peter died? He closed his eyes. It would be fine, everything would be fine. Happy place and all that.  
Everything would be fine.  
  
~  
  
Peter still hadn’t woken up.  
It had been three weeks.  
Wade was slowly losing his mind.  
Not that he’d had much in the beginning.  
Peter looked like a mess. There were tubes everywhere, and computer monitors beeping and needles and all those horrible hospital related items. They’d let Wade sit with him after the first night, after they’d moved him into a private room, as long as he promised not to cause trouble or freak out. So he sat there, day after day, waiting.  
Sometimes other superheros would come in. Natasha left him flowers, Tony talked science.  
Captain America had come in and given Wade a patriotic and heart-warming speech.  
The doctors said it was up to Peter now.  
Which is why Wade wasn’t leaving him.  
He talked. A lot.  
About the time they met, about missions before Peter, about missions after. About dreams he’d had, stories he might have heard once.  
He was falling apart.  
  
~  
  
Week five.  
When Wade’s eyes opened, he almost didn’t notice Peter was gone. He was so sleep deprived, so worn out.  
Then it hit him and he jumped up.  
“Peter!”  
Only one scenario ran through his mind as he ran through the corridors, trying to find someone, anyone to explain.  
 _Peter was dead._ They’d carted off his body and Wade was going to spend the rest of eternity alone.  
He didn’t look where he was going and hit a brick wall.  
He fell to the ground and looked up. “Clint?” he said, rubbing his head.  
Clint grinned down at him. “Hey Wade. Heard the news?”  
Wade’s stomach dropped. “N-news?”  
  
~  
  
Wade skidded into the medic bay.  
Peter looked up from where the crowd of doctors were swarming him and smiled.  
Wade was pretty sure he’d died as he moved forward and pushed away all the doctors so he could pull Peter into his arms. “This is a dream, isn’t it?”  
Peter pulled up Wade’s mask and kissed him. “Nope.”  
“You’re alive?”  
Peter smiled and ran a hand through his hair. “Feels like it.” He rolled his shoulders and groaned. “Unfortunately.”  
Wade kissed him again. “Good. Good. Pain’s good. Yes.”  
“Thanks,” Peter said sarcastically.  
  
~  
  
Wade carried Peter into their apartment.  
Peter was giving him a sceptical look. “You know I can walk right? The doctors said I was fine. Sort of. But definitely able to walk.”  
Wade shook his head. “You’re never going anywhere again.”  
Peter rolled his eyes, but remained silent. He’d gotten used to Wade’s clinginess over the past three days since he had woken up.  
Wade gently dropped him into bed and Peter moaned happily before pulling himself under the doona cover. He had missed being home. Wade grinned and kissed his forehead.  
“Going to join me?” Peter asked, his eyelids fluttering slightly. He hadn’t realised how tired he was.  
“In a second.”  
Peter sat up. “What?”  
Wade took off his mask and smiled sheepishly. He played with his mask, thinking.  
“Wade?” Peter repeated.  
“So, you were dead…” Wade began, still not looking at him.  
“In a coma,” Peter corrected.  
“You could have died,” Wade replied quickly. “And then what would I do?”  
Peter didn’t say anything.  
“And I’ve been thinking. I have. And…” He jumped up quickly and threw something at Peter before fleeing.  
Peter blinked twice, then began searching for whatever it was Wade had chucked at him. He found it near his hip and froze.  
That type of box was recognisable anywhere.  
“Wade!” he called out. “ _Wade!?!”_  
  
~  
  
Wade was watching tv.  
Really.  
He wasn’t ignoring Peter’s calls in fear.  
“Wade!” said a sharp voice behind him.  
Wade jumped. “Hey Peter,” he replied nonchalantly.  
Peter scowled at him, one hand on him and the other clutching his present. He waved it in front of him. “What’s this?”  
“Nothing! It’s a joke.”  
Peter’s eyes narrowed. “It doesn’t _look_ like a joke.”  
Wade flushed. “Well, you know, it’s sort of a high class joke. Probably above your standard. It became popular while you were out.” He nodded, pleased at his cover.  
Peter dropped himself onto Wade’s lap. “ _Wade.”_

 _  
_Wade looked away, so Peter pulled his face back to face him, and leant into a kiss. “ _Wade.”_  
Wade took the present from his hands. “So… Peter Benjamin Parker… will you marry me?”  
“Would I be here if the answer was no?”

 

**_…sorry about that!”  
…it’s just swell like this, isn’t it?_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... that's it.... the end. What a cheerful note to end it on. (I''m referring to the prompt here) 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for the votes and the comments.


End file.
